Balance

Balance – sometimes I wonder if I’ll look back on this time and wonder how I did, or what a day looked like.

Yesterday was one of those kind of insane days where it felt like it didn’t stop: up in the morning, shower, eat breakfast J has made, feed the kids, dress the kids, pull out some meat to thaw for dinner, put on some rice, out the door with the kids, woops forgot turn off the rice, grab the kids’ lunches (made by J), back into the car and phew, at daycare 5 minutes later.

At daycare kiss the kids goodbye, wave out the window (our little ritual) and drive away. Park the car a few blocks away, walk to the train, hop on train and get to work 10 minutes later. Work, work, break for lunch, chat with colleagues, coffee, work, work, work. Hop on train, get to car, pick up kids (from inside because it’s raining.)

M is hungry when I get there so she feeds and I chat with our daycare provider and some mothers while P rides his bike around the courtyard. We get into the car, and stop at a boutique on the way home. Normally I would not attempt this EVER with two kids, but one of my favourite shops is closing in four days and it might be my last chance. So we all rush in and I hastily try on a few things and that while P runs like a madman around the (tiny) store and M leaves a flood of drool in the change room and then bonks her head on a mirror. Buy dress and necklace. P decides he wants a necklace and I try to foil him by saying we can share. He wears it home. (He’s still wearing it now; normally I’m not quite that indulgent but seeing a boy wearing a necklace is incredibly adorable. Have I mentioned I love this age?)

Get home – P plays in the sandbox just outside the kitchen door and M plays with P’s cars because P can’t see her from the sandbox. I madly assemble dinner (fish and rice, already cooked) and throw it in the oven for 20 minutes. Put away a load of laundry while dinner cooks. J gets home and we eat dinner together as a family. [Pause, deep breath.] Put the kids in the bath, read them stories, share a laugh on the bed, tickle them. Head out to a nearby park to work out with some other moms from my neighbourhood… come home, work again for a couple of hours. Damn, M is crying and awake at 10. Get her back down and back to work, then sleep. Wonder if she’ll get up again (she does… twice).

I wouldn’t say that’s a typical day because every week is different. Some days I pick the kids up, sometimes J does. I don’t always work in the evening – sometimes I even do fun stuff! J and I share dinner duties, and I won’t deny that I sometimes prefer the days I don’t get them, but come home to a nice warm dinner all ready instead of having to entertain cranky kids while I feed them.

Today was less crazy – take off early to go to a volunteer appreciation party with M (P stayed with Grandma), go to my mother’s place and eat delicious sushi, come home and read P a zillion books I ordered off Amazon and snuggle, blog with time left over.

And it helps that the work (work! work! work!), well, mostly I like it. It’s not easy to be away from my kids all day, but it’s not hard either… and it’s much easier when you’re actually doing something you like. It just is what it is – not a choice I really obsess about too much, I guess because I always planned to work. I loved both my maternity leaves so it feels a little wrong to admit this, but quite honestly I don’t spend a lot of time considering the alternatives. I think I could be happy at home too, but right now (and probably forever) this is what works for us… it’s crazy, hectic but fun.

Adjustments

The second evening after work went more smoothly than the first.  I think I fooled myself into thinking the transition wouldn’t be that tough because P was at daycare a few days a week.  I thought it wouldn’t be much of a change.  But I realise now that there is a big difference between getting home at 6 while everyone’s getting ready to eat and picking him up at daycare at 4:30.  When I go at 4:30, I have a long chat with his daycare provider, babble to him on the way home, and cook while he plays at my feet, or sings along to the TV nearby.  A lot of train play can happen between 5 and 6.  Because three-year olds have the recall power of, well, a very scattered goldfish, some of his days will be mysteries again.

And of course Miss M – it’s a big shift for me not to know every bit of her day.  She seems to love daycare and wiggles happily when I drop her off.  So that’s made things easier.  But I miss her.  I only changed two diapers today!  You think that would be cause for celebration, but it feels kind of sad.

It’s nice, when you’re away from your child, to just be intensely close to them for the little time you have.  I hopped into the bath with M tonight, something I haven’t done in ages.  P dawdled, so he didn’t take a bath with me, but I did rub his legs with lotion and sat him between my knees to blow-dry his hair.  We all cuddled.  M pulled P’s hair and reached for his eyes and he giggled.  They both fell asleep without a peep.

It’s funny the things you miss – it’s not what I’d have expected.  I miss having coffee in my pajamas and checking my e-mail while P played trains in the morning, before J left for work.  I miss Margot’s sharp cry to tell me she’d woken from her nap.  Most often I’d curse under my breath because it meant I had to stop what I was doing, but I miss those wee chubby arms and the way she calmed right away when I picked her up.  I miss the luxury of thinking about them all day.  Honestly, when I’m at work my mind is there, and aside from looking at their photos a bit, and one check-up call, my thoughts are on other things.  I miss not thinking about them all the time.

But overall things are fine.  I had a few weepy moments, but I like my job and I’m glad to be back.  But I’m still so, so thankful for this almost-year I had with my two lovelies.

Last Day of Maternity Leave

So today is my last official day of maternity leave.  I’m sure if you’ve been following my constant posts about how the end is near, you’re thinking goodness, I thought it ended ages ago.

M started daycare this week – just a few hours a day building up to a full day, and it’s been strange but pleasant to have a few hours to myself during those times.  As you might remember, she was born the day after I went on leave, two weeks early, so I didn’t get the two-week break I had anticipated.  So this week I’ve shopped, had grown-up lunches (mmm…blue cheese cheesecake) and of course done tons of errands.

When I went back after P, I was really sad and nervous.  But this time I’m sort of excited.  M is such a different baby – she already quite likes daycare, and laughs and claps at the other children.  I also have a difference peace of mind – she’s being taken care of by the same lovely woman who’s cared for P for the last 2+ years, and we know her well now.  The other families at the daycare are known quantities, so I know who she’s spending time with.  And I’m thrilled to be working four days a week, which I hope gives me the balance between doing interesting work, and getting lots of time with two of my favourite people, M and P.  We also have some fun trips planned – San Francisco in a few weeks, and lots of camping over the summer, so that will be great.

Anyway, we’re off to a full day – bowling, participating in a fun study at UBC Infant Cognition (M has done a few of these) and then, since it’s a gorgeous day, maybe the beach or a walk in the woods.  Hopefully this is representative of lots of Fridays to come.