Grateful
well, someone seems to have spread the word, since I do not recall mentioning in any of my emails my 23rd. I really am not sure who it was (family? friend?) but I really appreciate the well-wishing. I also have to apologize for the lack of recent correspondence. I am writing from an internet cafe, since Tek's computer is down with a virus. so I'm not writing any of you as often as I would like, and I'm reduced to sending these group emails (which is fine, but should be coupled with personal ones). I really would like to say how grateful I am to have friends and family like you. I'm feeling rather emotional these days, (one of my current challenges being to actually face my emotions, rather than hope the bad ones will go away and the good ones will stick around) and I got pretty teary reading all the notes from home. you all seem so far away right now. For me this time is not easy--being alone is not something I do well. But I'm doing okay. Being alone is giving me a perspective on who I am outside of all the roles I take on in my life--outside of friend and brother, son and ex-boyfriend. One of the things I've noticed is how often we take on the roles we're in not out of choice, but out of obligation, out of some kind of sense of duty. I realize, too, that my relationship with each of you is shaped not by obligation, but by something much stronger.
sitting on the beach last weekend, looking up at the stars with Tek and his daughter I sat, perplexed, between youth and age. as leona wondered, in that way that we all do as teenagers, what was beyond the stars, beyond the bounds of the universe--beyond life itself. I remember my asking that question, for years, and never finding an answer. somewhere along the way I put the question down and turned the spotlight inward--looking for some inner essence, some sense of self. I'm realizing that asking the question "who am I?" is a lot like asking "what is the universe?" there may be answers, purely physical, purely practical, but they will never capture the essence that makes the real answer so undefinable, so elusive. that answer is something I think all of us are never really capable of putting our fingers on--but I think it's the same one for both questions. a pretty good substitute for the answer, though, for me, for now, is we are what we mean to eachother. And each of you means a lot--though sometimes I take it for granted--each in your own very special way, because of the relationship that we have created over months or years. sometimes the strings that hold us together are tenuous, and someday they might break (if not before, than at our time of death) but for now we have them. and I value them very much. my relationships, then, at least the important ones, are not roles of obligation, nor even roles that are acted, but rather as much a part of my essence as anything else I can see. These relationships are, in many ways, the answer to both "what is the universe?" and "who am I?"