constant butterflies
Every time I think this gets easier I'm proven wrong. At least I feel I'm getting a little better at dealing with it. I've realized that our culture is particularly adept at repression and lies. We push so much so deep into ourselves that we forget it's even there. Maybe we don't even know in the first place. We've gotten really good at lying to ourselves--so good the mind actually believes the lies. But not the body. No, the body doesn't lie. All that sadness, anger, fear--the body knows it, the body's telling you it's there. When you don't listen to your body it's easy to ignore--but lord, start listening and you'll almost wish you hadn't.
I have this ball of fear swirling around somewhere between my chest and stomach almost perpetually these days. I can't decide whether it's a rapid heartbeat, butterflies in my stomach or something else. I wake up in the mornign and it's there, and by the time I go to bed I feel I've let go of a little--but the next morning it's back. Where does it come from? I'm not really sure, except I'm realizing how ingrained in me fear is. I'm not a particularly nervous person, feel pretty self-confident, but man, this fear is deep. Maybe it's not even fear--it's not that overpowering--it's just like a constant stage fright, a nervousness, edginess. Maybe it's the realization that with all the lies we tell ourselves we're constantly performing, we're always playing roles, or maybe it's the a little more of the real me coming out, nervously. I don't know . . . working on figuring it out.