digging a grave for a dying dream
I am giving up a dream. Perhaps I should be more accurate: I am giving up a fantasy. In fact, I'm giving up two, but I kind of see them as the same thing. You see, I have this tendency to romanticize life.
All through high school, and university, I had this notion, this idealized image of Love. I pictured myself one half of something greater than me, this transcendent bliss that would make all my problems disappear (okay, okay, laugh now). Childish in many ways, and as I got older I got disillusioned. Rough relationships and the realization that I was gauging my worth over whether or not someone found me attractive, found me worthy of being a partner, made me look harder, which obviously is not how love occurs. I longed for someone to approve of me, but now I'm tired of gauging my worth against someone else's views.
This brings me to the second thing I want to let go of. For as long as I can remember, I've loved heroics. Most people do, they get that tingle in the spine reading a book, watching a movie. Good versus evil, all that. Sure, it's fun. When I was young I was an avid fantasy and adventure reader--I loved the notion of some young kid, farmboy type, being picked out, being Chosen as a saviour. I was not exactly socially adept when I was young (or more accurately children between the ages of 10 and 14 are savage barbarians), so I always envisioned myself as that young hero.
Kind of unconsciously, this fantasy has so penetrated my self-image that I still find myself thinking in terms of the heroics I will, at some point in the vague future, perform. The reason I really want to excel in this manner is because I long for approval. I do. I'm confident, and as I grow older I feel more comfortable in my skin, but I still rely on others to validate myself. I guess we all do, and that's okay. I mean, friends are the ones who can tell me, after a particularly shit week that I'm still okay. Family is the one that's love me even when I get tired of loving myself. We need people, we need community. But I don't need to be a hero. I don't need to stand above everyone else, and I've really always wanted to.
So, I'm trying to put down a couple of old dreams.
I don't need some romantic vision of love, because someday someone whom I respect deeply will (hopefully) decide she wants to be with me. If that doesn't happen, I'll be okay.
I don't need to be a hero, because I'm already an okay guy. I already have people that love me, and I'm realizing that's enough.
I don't need life to become an adventure, because it already is an adventure. Every day that I wake up brings me some new thought, some new excitement. Now is my time for contemplation. Okay. Tomorrow will be a time for action. Okay. I don't need to be anything more than I already am.