Matt's Missives

Well I guess that nobody ever reads this website except maybe family and a few friends, at least judging by the spam comments that are pretty much the mainstay of my 'new comments' list. It's kind of liberating to know that you're pretty much unread--gives you the freedom to rant as much as you want. The only problem you have then is who do you give the address to? I can already think of people I've censored from the site, due to content. So it's kind of a toss up between artistic anonymity and honesty, or a censored perspected and a wider audience. Not, I guess, that my audience would ever be that wide. but you know.
Okay, so today's about love. There has been a new love interest in my life in the last few weeks, which has left me feeling pretty much like I'm back in high school--awkward, shy and totally unsure of myself. I am not used to feeling like this--I'm a pretty self-confident, chilled-out person, most of the time. But the last few weeks . . . well, i've felt like kind of a basket case. The last poem was kind of inspired by her, although also just a general desire for meaningful realationships in my life, rather than week-long or month-long or weekend-long affairs. So . . . today we had that talk . . . which actually was kind of initiated a few weeks ago, when I told her (after a couple of glasses of wine) that I had a bit of a crush on her. Her reaction then was rather . . . reserved. Kind of a "that's nice, thanks." But still, I guess I'm an optimist at heart (some might say naive, but I have my streak of cynicism so . . .), since she didn't say "I'm not interested" I've been kind wondering/hoping something might spring from it. I was hanging out with her last weekend, and we had a great time, just chatting, cooking and hanging out, but in a very non-romantic sense. So, today, seeing her again I asked her what, if anything, was going on. Her response, while not what I was hoping for, was okay. She basically expressed her lack of desire to be in a relationship, which I respect (and really, that's what I should be doing right now, but I'm a sucker for following the heart). She also did say "if I was to . . . it might be you." It's not really enough to sustain hope, nor should I, I suppose, but it's enough to show at least I wasn't dead wrong in crushing on her.
So I guess the question is: what the hell am I supposed to be learning from all this? I'm totally a reason junky, so what does this all mean? Part of me thinks it's just an emotional lesson for being such a flake with most of the girls i've been with in the last few years. to love without expecting return. but then . . . i don't know. i guess it's just time to experience what love is again, even if it's unrequited. i don't mind giving love, i just need to know it's for something (even just in terms of life experience) . . . maybe that's selfish. i don't know. i just see this girl, walking into a room, sitting down anywhere, and i see this power, this potential. she's a remarkable woman, and i'm not sure she knows it yet. it's quite unlike anything i've felt before, and though i don't really expect it to work, after our conversation, somehow i think there will always be a part of my heart reserved for this girl--some little cordoned off area that will hold my desire for her within it. and i guess that's that.