Addendum
That last dream has become a little clearer, given a few days thought. I never really consider my dream characters anything more than subordinate parts of my own personality. So I guess what was happening was that my most obvious fear re: relationships (being alone) was being confronted with my subordinate fear, that I pretend not to have (getting hurt). I mean, I've always kind of believed that you're not really loving right if it doesn't hurt a bit, or even a whole lot. Your heart's not in it. But this dream, and my last few experiences with crushes, have me thinking maybe I'm just naive, wearing my heart on my sleeve. I don't like playing games, I prefer to be straight up. It can certainly make things awkward for a time, but you get over that. And if you don't, your friendship couldn't have been that great to start with. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I act like a little boy when it comes to courtship, but then I'd rather feel like that than become a crusty old man, afraid to live. But am I needlessly subjecting myself to emotional turmoil by being too straight up? Oh these fine fine lines we walk and stumble over over the course of our lives. Funny stuff really. And given that it's the second hot and sunny day in a row (that's right, only one day of rain in the last 5!), and the weather shows no sign of stopping, who the fuck really cares whether I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve or not. Went boating out in Barkley Sound yesterday, and swimming off a little island called Little Ohiaht, watched some beautiful tall ships cruis out the sound, went to a potluck last night, had a fire on the beach. Have spent the morning clearing alders. Slow work, but one in which it's easy to define and perceive progress. Less so with life, but maybe that's the point. All is well.