Matt's Missives

Since coming out to the west coast six years ago I've had an increasing appreciation of the ocean--first through surfing, then through sailing and now through the marine science centre here in Bamfield. The ocean dominates everything about living here--even from the top of Forbidden Plateau. When I sit by a lake I'm reminded of childhood summers and canoes--it's a simple nostalgia of Quebec and Ontario, mosquitoes and blackflies and crushes that never materialized. It is only a waterfall that seems to combine the ocean's majesty with a lake's tranquility.

When I got out to Sarita Falls yesterday, I felt something I haven't felt since Mexico. If the sun had never set, if time had never moved but I had kept going I could have stayed forever. Feeding on huckleberry and salal, drinking from the river, basking naked in the sun forever by the side of the river. The most peaceful memory of solitude in recent memory. And yet time does pass. I walked back up the dirt trail, and back out the dusty road. I came back into the sleepy buzz of town knowing that in my mind at least the sun never has to set.

Posted by matt at 01:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

That last dream has become a little clearer, given a few days thought. I never really consider my dream characters anything more than subordinate parts of my own personality. So I guess what was happening was that my most obvious fear re: relationships (being alone) was being confronted with my subordinate fear, that I pretend not to have (getting hurt). I mean, I've always kind of believed that you're not really loving right if it doesn't hurt a bit, or even a whole lot. Your heart's not in it. But this dream, and my last few experiences with crushes, have me thinking maybe I'm just naive, wearing my heart on my sleeve. I don't like playing games, I prefer to be straight up. It can certainly make things awkward for a time, but you get over that. And if you don't, your friendship couldn't have been that great to start with. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I act like a little boy when it comes to courtship, but then I'd rather feel like that than become a crusty old man, afraid to live. But am I needlessly subjecting myself to emotional turmoil by being too straight up? Oh these fine fine lines we walk and stumble over over the course of our lives. Funny stuff really. And given that it's the second hot and sunny day in a row (that's right, only one day of rain in the last 5!), and the weather shows no sign of stopping, who the fuck really cares whether I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve or not. Went boating out in Barkley Sound yesterday, and swimming off a little island called Little Ohiaht, watched some beautiful tall ships cruis out the sound, went to a potluck last night, had a fire on the beach. Have spent the morning clearing alders. Slow work, but one in which it's easy to define and perceive progress. Less so with life, but maybe that's the point. All is well.

Posted by matt at 03:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The sun is out, and all is well with the world. I'm in Bamfield, and have been clearing land, hanging out with friends and enjoying the newfound sunshine. Everyone's crossing their fingers that summer's finally here, but how many times have we woken up on a clear day and said "Summer's here!" only to have our sun blocked by days of rain. I'm just resigned to a wet summer, so I'm enjoying the nice days while they last.

I woke up this morning having dreamt about my new crush: we were having an argument where
I was defending my whole romantic philosophy: if you have passion, follow it.  love should be grasped in the moment, because it's precious and rare and the best thing we can do as people. her counterargument:  if you jump on passion every time you feel it it's like impulse shopping--you might wind up with something you like, but there's just as good a chance that you'll wind up with something
you don't like, or something that falls apart quickly, or something that gets shoved to the back of your closet, that you have to deal with years later.

What's interesting is that as powerfully as we were both defending our arguments they were both driven by fear.  mine of being alone, and hers of getting hurt.  opposing fears, but ultimately the same one. still sorting all the layers of that one out.
waking up this morning though, it got me thinking, and really made me realize that i'm having an increasingly detached attitude from my desires.  sure, i still follow them, yes, and it's a bummer nothing more is gonna happen, but so what?  there are so many fish in the sea, if this one was supposed to work out, it would have.

So now I'm going to go for a hike, or a paddle, or maybe even a swim in the cold cold ocean, cause it's a beautiful day, I'm done my chores, and I have nothing but life to drink in.

Posted by matt at 02:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)