Adjustments

The second evening after work went more smoothly than the first.  I think I fooled myself into thinking the transition wouldn’t be that tough because P was at daycare a few days a week.  I thought it wouldn’t be much of a change.  But I realise now that there is a big difference between getting home at 6 while everyone’s getting ready to eat and picking him up at daycare at 4:30.  When I go at 4:30, I have a long chat with his daycare provider, babble to him on the way home, and cook while he plays at my feet, or sings along to the TV nearby.  A lot of train play can happen between 5 and 6.  Because three-year olds have the recall power of, well, a very scattered goldfish, some of his days will be mysteries again.

And of course Miss M – it’s a big shift for me not to know every bit of her day.  She seems to love daycare and wiggles happily when I drop her off.  So that’s made things easier.  But I miss her.  I only changed two diapers today!  You think that would be cause for celebration, but it feels kind of sad.

It’s nice, when you’re away from your child, to just be intensely close to them for the little time you have.  I hopped into the bath with M tonight, something I haven’t done in ages.  P dawdled, so he didn’t take a bath with me, but I did rub his legs with lotion and sat him between my knees to blow-dry his hair.  We all cuddled.  M pulled P’s hair and reached for his eyes and he giggled.  They both fell asleep without a peep.

It’s funny the things you miss – it’s not what I’d have expected.  I miss having coffee in my pajamas and checking my e-mail while P played trains in the morning, before J left for work.  I miss Margot’s sharp cry to tell me she’d woken from her nap.  Most often I’d curse under my breath because it meant I had to stop what I was doing, but I miss those wee chubby arms and the way she calmed right away when I picked her up.  I miss the luxury of thinking about them all day.  Honestly, when I’m at work my mind is there, and aside from looking at their photos a bit, and one check-up call, my thoughts are on other things.  I miss not thinking about them all the time.

But overall things are fine.  I had a few weepy moments, but I like my job and I’m glad to be back.  But I’m still so, so thankful for this almost-year I had with my two lovelies.