I don’t know how I’ll ever repay all the wonderful favours – notes of support, food, and shoulders to cry on that people have offered in the last few days. I really appreciate it. I’m also finding it very therapeutic to just write here for a little bit. Although, I warn you that I am not as strong as I sound in here. At the end of the day I come home and I’m just completely drained. I can hardly move. I was flipping through C’s files and found notes about me being very “teary” which was kind of funny. I am totally the teary NICU mom. I was teary after all my babies’ births, but obviously much more so this time. I don’t think I’m being overly dramatic in saying that the past week has been one of the hardest of my life. I hope that doesn’t sound self-pitying because overall my life is pretty good, but it’s really hard.

Bright moments of the day: B was looking at me today, wide awake, which was very sweet. And now the girls incubators are side-by-side, which means that tomorrow I may even get to double snuggle!

We had a conversation with the doctor that left me feeling a lot more hopeful today. But then I just came home and collapsed and got myself completely upset again. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up a week ago… or six months from now.

7 thoughts on “Tired”

  1. I’ve been checking in every day for updates on your girls and think of you often throughout the day. I feel like it would require super human strength to manage everything you have going on right now so if the worst that is happening is that you cry and feel exhausted then I would consider that a success! I’m hoping the days start to fly by and that the girls both grow bigger and stronger every day. My cousins little guy was born at exactly 30 weeks and required surgery at two days old. Today he is a bright (almost exceptionally so!) and funny soon to be 6 year old and you would never know the struggles they all had to face in his early days.

    Wishing the same for your family and B and C.


  2. Despite how you feel, your strength is an inspiration.
    I hope you get your double snuggle tomorrow, what a special moment that will be! xoxox

  3. Hilary, I have been thinking about you and your family every day and echo Ashley and Sophie’s sentiments above. I also wanted to mention that my sister is a nurse at Children’s – she rotates between different units – so you might get a visit from a Rosemary. Of course you’re probably up to your eyeballs in nurses, but I promise she’s a good one.

    This blog would be a good place to let us know if there are any specific things any of us can do to help you guys out.

  4. Hugs and thoughts. All your children are fortunate to have tou as their mama. Hang in there!

  5. Thinking of you and your precious babies and wishing you lots of strength. Positive thoughts sent your way, Hilary!

  6. I don’t think you are being overly dramatic at all! I think this has to be one of THE hardest things to go through both emotionally and physically and I think the only tho that you can do is just wade through it. Ask for help when you need it,
    Cry, there’s no shame in that! And rejoice in the small moments, however tiny they may be. I sincerely hope you get your double snuggle. That would be so lovely. And I wanted to add that I think the new nursing situation is much better now! What a little bit of relief that must provide you. Thinking of you!

  7. I’m also following your blog now and wishing you so much strength to get through these next few weeks. So glad to hear they are now side by side and that the latest news you’ve gotten from the doctors was positive. I can’t really even imagine how stressful this must be for your family, but I too wish you could just leap ahead a few months and have them home, healthy and happy.

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